October 28, 2016
The 21 Rewrites
At long last, here is my feedback on your 21 positioning statements.
Some thoughts before we get started:
- Writing an LFPS is more art than science. Don’t consider any of my tips “rules” - they’re more like guidelines. Follow them if they’re useful to you. Ignore them if they’re not.
- With very few exceptions, I have not discussed any of these LFPSs with the authors and therefore I know very little about their contexts, backgrounds, and businesses. Because of this, my feedback and rewrites might be totally off-base for them (but still instructive conceptually to others).
- To the handful of folks with whom I have had discussions (you know who you are): I might have added some feedback that you don’t actually need, just for the benefit of other readers. Please contact me directly if anything I said has you scratching your head.
- If you sent in one of the LFPSs below, please take my feedback with a grain of salt. I’m probably not as familiar with your niche as you are. If you like my suggestions, then great! If my suggestions are flat out wrong for you for some good reason, please ignore them. If my suggestions make you uncomfortable but you can’t actually make a case against them, you might want to do some research or experimentation (especially if you think all of my rewrites except yours are good).
Okay, without further ado…
“I’m a digital marketing consultant who helps online coaches build their authority. Unlike my competitors, I use better-than-ethical techniques.”
Breakdown
- “digital marketing consultant” - I like it! Nice and clear. If we met at a cocktail party, it would make me want to ask, “Oh? what’s that?”
- “online coaches” - I have never heard this term, but it triggers a Rolodex moment for me, which is great.
- “build their authority” - I think this could be tightened up a notch. Perhaps most online coaches intuitively know what the benefit of building their authority is, but why make them connect the dots? What is the benefit of “building my authority”? More clients? Better clients? More adherence? Higher fees? More revenue? More profit? Shorter sales cycle? Longer engagements? If your answer is, “all of those things!” then pick the one that is most attractive to your ideal client and run with that.
- “I use better-than-ethical techniques” - This took me by surprise and made me chuckle. It implies that there are a lot of shady digital marketing consultants out there. If this message resonates with your target market, it’s probably pretty good.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a digital marketing consultant who helps online coaches attract better clients. Unlike my competitors, I use better-than-ethical techniques.”
“We help self-publishing fiction authors sell more books by providing the same comprehensive writing and production services that traditional publishers offer.”
Breakdown
- Discipline is omitted. If we met at a cocktail party, what you would say you do?
- “self-publishing fiction authors” - Very nice! Definitely triggers a Rolodex moment for me. Also, very easy to find online watering holes.
- “sell more books” - Very nice!
- “by providing the same comprehensive writing and production services that traditional publishers offer” - This is a “how” which is something that should generally be left out of the positioning statement.
- Unique difference is omitted. I think you should add one because there is lots of competition in this space. What’s special about you?
Possible Rewrite
“I run a literary marketing agency that helps self-published fiction authors sell more books. Unlike our competitors, we don’t take a cut of the author’s sales.”
“My php courses help people working as tech support move to a more profitable and enjoyable career path.”
Breakdown
- “My php courses” - I would give this product a proper name.
- “people working as tech support” - Very nice! Clear and probably easy to find watering holes online. Triggered a Rolodex moment for me.
- “move to a more profitable and enjoyable career path” - Conjunction alert! Which benefit is going to resonate more strongly with your ideal customer? More profitable or more enjoyable?
- Unique difference is omitted. I think you should add one because there is lots of competition in this space. What’s special about this course?
Possible Rewrite
“‘PHP For Profit’ helps tech support employees move to a more profitable career path. Unlike other php courses, ‘PHP For Profit’ goes beyond the nuts and bolts to teach you how to land a job with your new skills.”
“I’m an art director who helps franchisors attract new franchisees. Unlike my competitor, I focus branding efforts on their existing retail customers instead of using 3rd party sources like brokers, recruiting websites or franchise expos.”
Breakdown
- “art director” - Very clear, but feels like a mismatch with the stated benefit.
- “franchisors” - Very clear, I love it! Very easy to create a prospecting list.
- “attract new franchisees” - Very clear! I like it. Of course, I am assuming it resonates with your target market.
- “I focus branding efforts on their existing retail customers instead of using 3rd party sources like brokers, recruiting websites or franchise expos.” - I could be off base, but I feel like you’re revealing a little too much “how” with this (and it’s kinda long).
Possible Rewrite
“I’m an expansion consultant who helps franchisors attract new franchisees. Unlike my competitors, I don’t waste time with brokers, recruiting websites or franchise expos.”
(NOTE: I used a conjunction in my version of the unique difference. Based on your knowledge of the ideal buyer, you might be able to tighten further. If one on its own will raise lots of eyebrows, just use that one.)
“I’m a digital media consultant who helps independent consultants get more clients. Unlike my competitors, I focus on client acquisition rather than vanity metrics like anonymous page views.”
Breakdown
- “digital media consultant” - Solid. I like it. It’s a good cocktail party answer.
- “independent consultants” - Very good. Nice and tight. Triggered a Rolodex moment for me. Probably pretty easy to find watering holes online.
- “I focus on client acquisition rather than vanity metrics like anonymous page views.” - Assuming your competitors tout things that you think amount to vanity metrics, AND assuming that this will resonate with your target market, this is pretty solid.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a digital media consultant who helps independent consultants get more clients. Unlike my competitors, I don’t waste time with vanity metrics like anonymous page views.”
“I’m a digital business strategist who helps purpose-driven solo and micro preneurs build sustainable businesses that support their vision and their bottom line. Unlike my competitors, I focus on developing long-term consistency and durability, rather than quick fixes that lead to spikes and crashes.”
Breakdown
- “digital business strategist” - Solid. I like it. It’s a good cocktail party answer.
- “purpose-driven solo and micro preneurs” - Conjunction alert! Pick the one that is more likely to be your ideal client and speak to their specific concerns with their specific language. Did NOT trigger a Rolodex moment for me because I don’t know exactly what you mean by “purpose-driven” or how I would know whether one of my contacts fit that description. Feels a little jargon-y to me. Even if purpose driven people know that they are purpose driven, their friends might not know that term, which means your word of mouth won’t be nearly as strong as it could be if you used a more apparent attribute.
- “build sustainable businesses that support their vision and their bottom line” - Conjunction alert! Pick the benefit that will resonate best with your ideal client.
- “I focus on developing long-term consistency and durability, rather than quick fixes that lead to spikes and crashes” - Conjunction alert! :)
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a digital business strategist who helps Christian solo-preneurs build a stable income. Unlike my competitors, I understand that supporting a long-term vision can’t be done with quick fixes.”
“I’m an IT consultant for medium to large companies facing the disruption of a company demergers. I guide CIOs early on in the demerger process, when all eyes are on them as they face critical infrastructure decisions.”
Breakdown
- “IT consultant” - Very clear, but maybe too generic. It’s like saying “I’m a laywer.” In a cocktail party scenario, it puts the onus on the listener to think of a follow up question. If you said “I’m a dog lawyer,” my follow up question is obvious: “What the heck is a dog lawyer?!” :)
- “medium to large companies facing the disruption of a company demergers” - Very focused, which I like. It’s situational (i.e., clients only need you in a particular situation) which can make it difficult to do direct outreach but in this case you might be able to detect public signals in business news and press releases. I’m not sure you even need “medium to large companies” because I would guess that those are the only types of organizations that would ever face a split.
- “I guide CIOs early on in the demerger process, when all eyes are on them as they face critical infrastructure decisions.” - This is a little bit of a jumble of a target market (well, target job title) and a headline meant to trigger a fear response. Keep in mind that an LFPS guides your marketing materials, but isn’t typically shared verbatim. It’s more like the kind of thing you’d keep on a sticky note next to your bathroom mirror.
- Unique difference is omitted. Who are your competitors? How are you different from them?
Possible Rewrite
“I’m an corporate restructuring consultant who helps CIOs make critical infrastructure decisions early in the demerger process. Unlike my competitors, CIOs work directly with me and not an army of junior consultants learning on the job.”
“I’m a business developer who helps IT SMEs with the dreaded feast and famine cycle. Unlike my competitors, I use my computer engineering background and technology buyer experience, so my clients can communicate in “buyer’s English” to land only perfect clients with sexy projects.”
Breakdown
- “business developer” - This is a little confusing. I’m not sure how the word “developer” is meant in this context. From the rest of the statement, I think it means “someone who develops (i.e., grows) a business” so I’d clarify a bit.
- “IT SMEs” - I’d de-jargon this. Are you talking about IT subject matter experts? Or small and medium enterprises who offer IT services? I’m guessing the latter based on the rest of the statement.
- “the dreaded feast and famine cycle” - This is the pain, which is a good thing to use on a sales page, but here in your LFPS it makes more sense to focus on the benefit. What is the benefit you provide?
- “I use my computer engineering background and technology buyer experience, so my clients can communicate in ‘buyer’s English’ to land only perfect clients with sexy projects.” - This is pretty scattered. I’d recommend researching your competition and identifying an actual difference that makes you unique.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a business development consultant who helps IT firms up to 100 employees stabilize their cash flow. Unlike my competitors, I focus on getting you better clients, not more clients.”
“I’m a Web App Consultant who helps Small to Medium Sized Businesses make Money by Gaining Visibility Through Web Presence and Automation. Unlike my competitors, I focus on Saving You Money by Saving You Time.”
Breakdown
- “Web App Consultant” - Good cocktail party answer. I like it.
- “Small to Medium Sized Businesses” - This is way too vague. There are more than 5,000,000 SMEs in the US alone.
- “make Money” - This is very clear and specific, but it’s too generic to sound credible. I’d recommend moving the focus from 30,000ft to about 500ft :)
- “by Gaining Visibility Through Web Presence and Automation” - This is a “how” which you don’t want to include in an LFPS.
- “I focus on Saving You Money by Saving You Time” - Again, too generic to sound credible. I’d recommend picking a much more focused target market and using their language to say the same thing in a more specific way.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a software automation consultant who helps regional restaurant chains decrease operational costs of their take out services. Unlike my competitors, I leverage open source software to avoid absurdly high licensing fees.”
“I help B2B bootstrapped companies and consultants increase their effective hourly rate. I do this via revenue and research-driven product design and content strategy. Instead of guessing which strategy will be best, I help people make data-driven decisions.”
Breakdown
- Discipline is omitted.
- “B2B bootstrapped companies and consultants” - Conjunction alert! Pick your idealclient. If you can’t decide, pick the one that you have more access to.
- “increase their effective hourly rate” - Very specific benefit. Good work!
- “I do this via revenue and research-driven product design and content strategy.” - This is a “how” which doesn’t belong in an LFPS. I could use it as a basis for a discipline in my rewrite, but there’s conjunction alert. Do you do product design or content strategy?
- “Instead of guessing which strategy will be best, I help people make data-driven decisions.” - I like this as a unique difference. And it will appeal to a specific type of client.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a product design consultant who helps B2B consultants increase their effective hourly rate. Unlike my competitors, I don’t merely parrot generic best-practices that I found online.”
“I’m a web application performance consultant who helps Fortune 1000 companies dramatically improve their results. Unlike other experts, I have 20 years’ experience solving revenue-impacting performance problems on a daily basis.”
Breakdown
- “web application performance consultant” - Very specific which is generally a good thing, but this is perhaps a touch too specific.
- “Fortune 1000 companies” - Too vague. I’d niche down on either a vertical, a department, a functional area, or a job title.
- “dramatically improve their results” - This does not strike me as a credible claim because of the word “dramatically” especially if your target market is Fortune 1000. Also, “improve their results” is too vague. What is the biggest specific benefit that you offer to your ideal client?
- “I have 20 years’ experience solving revenue-impacting performance problems on a daily basis” - Is this really that unique? Have you no competitors with 20 years experience doing what you do?
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a web performance consultant who helps Fortune 50 retailers double their web pages views. Unlike my competitors, I was selected to present the keynote at Velocity Conference 2016.”
“I’m a web application developer who helps bank REO department managers create board reports in minutes instead of days. Unlike my competitors, I do this by eliminating the need for spreadsheets.”
Breakdown
- “web application developer” - Very specific, which is good. “Developer” sounds a little low-value to me, though.
- “bank REO department managers” - Very specific! You could probably spend a couple hours on LinkedIn and put together a list of 100 people in this position.
- “create board reports in minutes instead of days” - This is clearly a big improvement, but I wonder how expensive of a problem it is. What’s the downside of it taking days to create a board report? How often does a bank REO dept manager need to create a board report? What is the benefit of decreasing the time spent creating these reports?
- “I do this by eliminating the need for spreadsheets” - This is a “How” but that is sometimes okay in the unique difference section because the “how” might be novel or provocative. I have no way of knowing if that is the case here, so I’ll assume it’s fine as is :)
Possible Rewrite
“I’m an application consultant who helps bank REO department managers eliminate two days worth of administrative busywork every month. Unlike my competitors, I do this by eliminating the need for spreadsheets.”
“I’m a brand designer who helps small teams boost their reputation and land bigger clients. Unlike other designers, I focus on measurable improvements and insights, rather than creating superficial designs.”
Breakdown
- “brand designer” - Perfect.
- “small teams” - Way too vague. Doesn’t trigger a Rolodex moment for me.
- “boost their reputation and land bigger clients” - Conjunction alert! Pick one benefit and run with it.
- “I focus on measurable improvements and insights, rather than creating superficial designs” - The wording is a little clumsy and there’s a useless conjunction in there, but I generally like the sentiment.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a brand designer who helps boutique iOS dev shops land bigger clients. Unlike other designers, I deliver measurable improvements, rather than creating superficial designs.”
“I’m a digital designer who helps design agencies translate their client’s brands to the digital space. Unlike my competitors, I have a deep understanding of the relationship between brand, technology and content.”
Breakdown
- “digital designer” - I like it!
- “design agencies” - Pretty specific but based on the overall statement, I feel like it needs one more modifier. ASIDE: Working through agencies on their client’s projects makes it almost impossible for you to build a business.
- “translate their client’s brands to the digital space” - This sounds more like a deliverable than a business outcome. What is the benefit of having my client’s brand translated to the digital space?
- “I have a deep understanding of the relationship between brand, technology and content” - Is this really that unique?
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a digital designer who helps print design agencies attract younger customers to their client’s brands. Unlike my competitors, I focus specifically on marketing to millennials.”
“We combine strategy, design, branding and web development to help mission-driven organizations move their audiences to action. Organizational goals — not subjective or superficial factors — drive everything we build.”
Breakdown
- “We combine strategy, design, branding and web development” - This feels like it’s meant to serve as a discipline, but it really just comes across as scattered generalism. And it kicks off the statement with a very egocentric feel (i.e., we do this, and we do this, and we do this… we we we we).
- “mission-driven organizations” - This feels like demographic targeting, which can be tough to market to. If you know exactly how to get a list of 50 ideal buyers at mission-driven organizations, then it’s probably fine for you. If not, perhaps pick an actual vertical that is outwardly visible to the average person and is most likely mission-driven.
- “move their audiences to action” - A little too vague. What action? Donate money? Spread the word? Canvas for voters?
- “Organizational goals — not subjective or superficial factors — drive everything we build” - Is this actually a differentiator? None of your competitors could make the same claim?
Possible Rewrite
“We are a design agency that helps human rights advocacy groups increase their online donations. Unlike our competitors, we offer a 100% money back guarantee.”
“We’re a .NET development company that helps profitable and growth hungry small to medium businesses overcome inefficient or broken business processes. Unlike our competitors we live and work on the edge of the world which keeps us sharp, creative and tenacious (as we have to hold on to each other so no-one falls off.)”
Breakdown
- “We’re a .NET development company” - Great. Very clear, and a technology that should be well-known to buyers (as opposed to a technology that your ideal buyer might not be aware they’re using, like Memcached or Docker)
- “profitable and growth hungry small to medium businesses” - Conjunction alert! Pick your ideal client and ditch the non-ideal stuff. Also, “profitable” and “growth hungry” are not usually outwardly apparent to the casual observer, which hurts word of mouth.
- “overcome inefficient or broken business processes” - What is the most attractive benefit of “overcoming inefficient or broken business processes” to your ideal client? Decreased labor costs? Increased product quality? Improved employee morale?
- “we live and work on the edge of the world which keeps us sharp, creative and tenacious (as we have to hold on to each other so no-one falls off.)” - This is so bonkers that I almost like it. Certainly different. I’d still try to whittle it down to make it punchier.
Possible Rewrite
“We’re a .NET development company that helps bootstrapped SaaS businesses with 50-100 employees decrease customer churn. Unlike our competitors we work on the edge of the world which keeps us sharp.”
“I’m a writer who helps techies and innovators articulate their offering in a way that resonates with stakeholders – investors, prospects, and everyone-else. Unlike my competitors – bah! I have none! – I do not start with words or writing. Instead, using instinct, business acumen, magic, and a passion connection, I start with digging down to the real message that will ring out over the rooftops.”
Breakdown
- “writer” - I feel like this is a little too generic. Sports writer? Tech writer? Novelist? Adding a modifier would generate more interest, IMHO. Or you could come at it from a completely different angle.
- “techies and innovators” - Conjunction alert! Pick your ideal audience.
- “articulate their offering in a way that resonates with stakeholders – investors, prospects, and everyone-else” This is a deliverable, not a benefit. What is the benefit of this deliverable? Raise funding? Increase sales? Build brand loyalty?
- “I do not start with words or writing. Instead, using instinct, business acumen, magic, and a passion connection, I start with digging down to the real message that will ring out over the rooftops.” - This is a little long but I think there’s a nugget of delightful contrarianism in there that could be used as a differentiator.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a communications consultant who helps tech entrepreneurs raise their series A funding. Unlike my competitors - who engage in arbitrary word-smithery of product features and benefits - I focus on articulating your one true mission in a way that provokes an emotional response in your audience.”“
“I am a design consultant who helps scaling SaaS companies increase revenue. Unlike my competitors, I focus on the right conversion rate metric to justify my design interventions.”
Breakdown
- “design consultant” - Good. Clear and somewhat interesting.
- “scaling SaaS companies” - How will you or anyone local SaaS companies that are “scaling”? What type of SaaS companies? Bootstrapped? Seed funded? Series A? Going public?
- “increase revenue” - Pretty good, but it’d be more credible if it was slightly more specific. Increase revenue in what way? More sales? Higher prices? Increased customer lifetime value?
- “I focus on the right conversion rate metric to justify my design interventions” - Is this really a differentiator? None of your competitors can make this claim?
Possible Rewrite
“I am a design consultant who helps SaaS companies increase CLV prior to going public. Unlike my competitors, I am so confident in my effectiveness that I offer a 100% money-back guarantee.”
“I’m a data analyst who helps social enterprises make better informed decisions ; unlike my competitors I turn around insights in weeks or even days, rather than spending months on large reports.”
Breakdown
- “data analyst” - This is clear and concise, which is good, but it sounds maybe a little boring and low-value.
- “social enterprises” - Way too broad. Instead, pick a vertical that is likely to be socially conscious.
- “make better informed decisions” - This is an okay start but it needs to be more focused. Better informed decisions about what? What items to put on the menu in the employee cafeteria? Whether or not to expand into Europe? Should we outsource our website maintenance and lay off 25% of IT?
- “I turn around insights in weeks or even days, rather than spending months on large reports” - Is “I’m the fastest” really the unique difference you want to stand behind? It’s solid, but it sets up a race to zero with competitors (of time, not money). Also, your value prop talks about “better decisions” not “faster decisions”. I believe that “better” and “faster” are mutually exclusive.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a data scientist who helps wastewater treatment executives decrease the amount of untreated waste being dumped into oceans. Unlike my competitors who are obsessed with obtaining uselessly high levels of precision, I am a pragmatist who knows when good enough is good enough.”
“We are an experience design agency that helps early stage startups kick-off their SaaS-based product. Unlike our competitors, we provide a startup-mentality education to our clients with a focus on business sustainability as the key metric, instead of distractions like ‘Is it pretty’ or ‘I don’t like the color purple’ that most agencies yield too much time toward.”
Breakdown
- “experience design agency” - Good.
- “early stage startups” - Pretty good.
- “kick-off their SaaS-based product” - This is an activity. What is the benefit?
- “we provide a startup-mentality education to our clients with a focus on business sustainability as the key metric, instead of distractions like ‘Is it pretty’ or ‘I don’t like the color purple’ that most agencies yield too much time toward.” - Very wordy but there might be a nugget of goodness in there.
Possible Rewrite
“We are an experience design agency that helps early stage SaaS startups reach $10k in monthly recurring revenue. Unlike our competitors, we will protect you from wasting your valuable time debating arbitrary cosmetic design changes.”
“I help businesses define effective processes and build systems to make their operations run smoother and more profitably. Unlike my competitors, I quote you a fixed-fee in advance and don’t stop until you are 100% satisfied that I have met the objectives of the project.”
Breakdown
- Discipline omitted.
- “businesses” - Way WAY too vague. There are something like 30 million small businesses in the US alone. Pick a vertical that you have access to, or that you have experience with, or that you just love.
- “define effective processes and build systems to make their operations run smoother and more profitably” - Conjunction alert!
- “I quote you a fixed-fee in advance and don’t stop until you are 100% satisfied that I have met the objectives of the project” - Great differentiator.
Possible Rewrite
“I’m a process automation consultant who helps orthodontists increase their per-patient profit numbers. Unlike my competitors, I will quote you a fixed-fee in advance and won’t stop until you are 100% satisfied that I have met the objectives of the project.”
That was a lot of fun, but whew… what a marathon! I hope you found it useful :)
Okay, it’s 4am here… I’ma going ni-nights. ZZzzzzzzzzz…
Yours,
—J
P.S. Do you need private assistance with your LFPS? I’m available for a small number of coaching calls each month… you can book a time here: https://jonathanstark.com/call